Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Bits and Pieces

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Timed Out

At times I feel like wasted space... My head has not hurt this much that I could remember and hurt so hard and so bad. I didn't quite understand it. I felt as if I perhaps was losing my mind... As if perhaps I was losing myself. My body was pained and hurting. My bones were agonized....

The tension... I, for some reason welcomed death... almost with a friendly embrace. I kept thinking with all this pain in my head that my brain would explode. that fragments would break and I won't be me again. Death was embraceable compared to this agony..... I felt defeated for the first time in such a long time.... The healthy me was scared and afraid.

As the days and nights wore on, I was unable find rest or comfort.... Prolong sleep evaded me... I dozed off only to be jolted awake by pains in my head and my body. I wanted a "speedy end, a quick" recovery but it is yet to find me.....

On Monday I went to work because I am no "weakling" but my illness wore me down. Had to return home. This is constant resting is "FUCKING" with my mind... I hate being sick.... I hate being weak.....
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To Be Me
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The older and hopefully, the wiser I get, the greater is my acceptance of me being me... I am realizing I can't live as me in my true self if I continue to be scared or afraid of the status quot....

Am I afraid? Yes. Ignorance and intolerance to differences still exist around me and in the world. As I walk the streets I am duly reminded that my difference isn't appreciated. But I will survive.

This is all a struggle at times.. but I never feel the need to give up... I keep pushing on... The motivation is inwards and its where I find my happiness. Dressing as I do .... I am fully embracing this new world that I am slowly but surely assimilating into... So many thoughts still alve within me concerning so many different things and possibilities..

No woman wants to be with a "whiny ass BITCH Pussy PUNK" like herself. A fucking weakling doesn't make the grade. 

Over the past few I have been pulling backa bit more of me... my trust of people and humanity has weaken.... My speech is still to feminine, to filled with emotions and feeling... I need to be more calculating, brutal and logically.....

Encounter Church of Palmyra
At school, I am referred to as the "Man Woman" teacher and in some cases as a "Lesbian"... I don't entertain..... the convo I just jeep it moving... My private life is my own......

I am who I am and it comes wth a price....... 

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