As I stand at this door, I ask myself, what took so long? What really was I so afraid of many years ago? I chuckle.. I smile.. The answer, I had always known.. The fear was of me. ...The fear was me. I wanted truly to be free but I had already began carving the tomb stone.
What do we lose by denying ourselves? Our true selves? Everything. EVERYTHING!!!!!!
Happiness goes out of the window to be replaced by solitude, anger and resentment towards a world, a people....towards a time. Think of all the beautiful memories, the precious moments lost. I became a runaway, I had to run away from such an existence. I had to run from "home".
I made the decision. I walked timidly, cautiously , yet proudly out the door, savoring the moments. I read books, I sort a library of knowledge. Then I found "Giovanni's Room". Clarity was near me, embracing me, soothing me. I no longer felt alone.
I had felt lost.. I had felt struggles but I had "Giovanni's Room".... Sadness dwelt but for a moment. If only I had renounced my sexuality, If only I had confirmed to what was before me, Hell would not have been presented to me. They kept wanting me to stay in my misery.
I kept on walking because I knew eventually it will get better. My heart told me to keep my pace, to keep me close. The heart kept me. The pieces, the obstacles, the fragments of my being became "WHOLE". Time became reasoned. I found somehow.